My Dad Died
My dad died June 23, 2007. It wasn’t unexpected. He’d been ill for awhile. He was 86 yrs. old and had lived a good full life, basically free of horrible things happening to him. He basically had everything he wanted. Well, he never got his 300 game in bowling even though he surely bowled for most of his life. But, if that’s the worse thing you miss in life, you’re doing pretty good.
My dad and I didn’t get along. I loved him, but we butted heads often. I figured I wouldn’t care very much when he died. But, it’s been worse than I had anticipated — or can you really anticipate how you’ll feel when someone leaves this planet? He was my dad from day one. He’s always been there. He was very strict but he taught me an awfully lot. If I were to choose the best advice he ever gave me, it’d have to be that books are the key to life. Anything there is to learn can be found in book. Now of course we have the internet and that’s as good if you’re careful about what’s true and what isn’t. Anyone can create a website.
My Spanish teacher in high school, Mr. Barney, told us to practice the new words we learned each night – to go over and over them. But he said to be careful because “Practice doesn’t make perfect” – only “Perfect practice makes perfect”.
Back to my dad. We made peace in his last weeks. I’d go visit him at the hospital, and he’d seem so happy to see me. As one of my brothers said, “Dad said you went by to see him. It must have been okay because he didn’t sneer when he said it”. My dad actually did stop sneering at me when I was there. One morning he was just opening his eyes when I started singing, “Good morning to you …” My dad was not the kind you sing anything to especially if you lack any talent when it comes to singing”. But he got a little smile which coaxed me to sing the entire song. Perhaps I had been wrong and in addition to wanting that 300 game, he had also wanted someone to sing “good morning” to him.
It catches me occasionally during the day when I realize my dad is gone and the tears come. I’m totally caught off-guard by it. I’m glad that I didn’t hold grudges and that I could forgive him for the part he played in making my life miserable. He did a lot of very kind, loving things too. It’s going to be very different without him. I have a feeling I’m going to think of him often – for always. He was my dad.
3 Comments »
Leave a comment
-
Flickr Photos
More Photos
I am so sorry for your loss. Death is something you have no choice but to make room for in your life. It’s so difficult isn’t it? I lost my husband and father-in-law in an airplane crash … left me alone with our 5 year-old son and a big old world to face … broken. I have written a book, The Unkind Companion ~ Learning to Live with Loss. You can order it online at any bookselling site. It’s inexpensive and purposefully a short read … only because I know that when I was in the initial stages of grief I didn’t have enough energy to read much. If you feel led to order it, I sure hope it will help you. Consider it me hugging your heart! Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Marlo
http://www.dreamedforme.com
Hi, my dad and mom both died last year (2007). My parent had been divorced for some 15 yrs. My dad remarried, but my mom did not. My mom became ill over time from smoking and when she got real ill last winter it wasn’t as much of a suprise. She got pnuemonia and within a week she died. I had seen her the year before but had left to go home with our relationship srained because she always complained about my Dad and I confronted her to stop being so negative. We did not talk for the last year of her life, but I was able to visit her in the hospital before she died with my siblings. She didn’t talk to me as she did the siblings so I knew she was still bitter. It helped that I got to see her before she died, but since we were not completely reconciled, it hurt a lot. Then 6 months later my died unexpectedly died. He went to the hospital for surgery and made it through with no problems. But, the doctor’s think he got up from his hospital bed the same evening of his surgery and must have fallen and hit his head. The nurse found him on the floor in some blood. He didn’t die right away. He had brain swelling and was bleeding. Since he was on blood thinners for his heart the bleeding in his brain was very bad. But before he went into the hospital, I had a sister call me to tell me to cancel my trip to visit him and I also had a brother call me to tell me my dad asked him to call me and tell me not to come see him and that my dad asked him about trespassing laws where he lived. The hurtful thing was that I spoke to him two months earlier and his last words spoken to me were “I love you”. But my dad seemed to have gotten upset with me about something and I don’t know what it was. I was crushed because of the way he was treating me. He wouldn’t even take my calls. When he died, I was devastated. My heart has been broken because of my relationship with my parents was bad when they died. I have become very ill and depressed. I will also go to my death with this very awful grief I carry about my parents. If anyone has any words to help me find my way back, I would like to hear from you.
I don’t feel like I will ever find peace in my life again because of what happened.
K.C. I’m defintely not going to think I know the words to help you find your way back. Perhaps a professional counselor could help you.
But, it does sound like you’re beating yourself up pretty bad. Okay – some mistakes were made. It happens to a lot of people. You can either dwell on them for the rest of your life or you can acknowledge them and move on. Moving on isn’t always easy, but you need to start heading in that direction.
You’re taking all the responsibility and your parents were also responsible. But it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you. Your dad’s last words to you were “I love you”. Concentrate on that. You were blessed. There are a lot of people who don’t have a memory as good as that.
Of course you hurt a lot. You lost your parents. Deal with the real grief and somehow try to get through the guilt grief (as I call it). Even when loved ones have absolutely no responsibility in another’s death, it’s easy to say “what if? why? what could I have done? it was my fault”. Guilt is one of the nastiest stages in grieving.
Time to take care of you. Know your parents loved you. And know that parents want their children to be happy and have good lives. There are some who don’t – but it doesn’t sound as though your parents didn’t love you.
Get some professional help. Perhaps some of your depression is a clinical depression that can be helped with medication and counseling.
You have one life to live – live it happily. Don’t condemn your entire life because of your experience. You can rise above it. Takes work but you’ve already taken the first step, you’ve asked for help and you’ve talked about it. Pat yourself on the back and look forward to liking yourself again.